Saturday, February 11, 2012

Zombie Survival Committee

I’m taking another English class.  I thought I might post some short story type stuff on the weekends. 

The zombies have taken over the world.  The scientist have found a way to exterminate the zombies but it will also wipe out the entire human race as well.  If I want to be saved I have to try to convince the Zombie Survival Committee that I should be allowed to stay in the super top secret lab and then help rebuild society.


To whom it may concern, Zombie Survival Committee

I am sure there are a lot of really smart people on your selection list. In fact, I bet some of these really smart people are so smart that they probably caused this zombie apocalypse in the first place. Now I am a pretty bright guy but certainly not bright enough to cause or fix a problem of this magnitude. And let’s get this straight, this is a problem of zombie biblical proportions.

So, your cure is to wipe the earth clean, scorched earth if you will. So after you hole up in this super top secret, undisclosed location and wash your hands of the whole damned place, what then?

Can you imagine the cleanup this is going to take? Six billion (plus or minus) rotting corpses, dead and undead. Who is going to clean that up? Those guys in the white lab coats that have to use two arms to pick up a grande cup of coffee? I don’t think so. I bet it would take them all day to dig a grave for just two or three of these human or once human beings. And can you imagine all of the bitching and moaning going on about how they were too smart or too important for this kind of manual labor.

That is where I come in. I’m smart enough to know what needs to be done but not too smart. I’m not going to be thinking I'm too good for cutting up bodies in little pieces and stacking them in nice little piles. In fact, I have already thought about some practical uses for these bags of bones. We could use them like sand bags and build some temporary shelters; zombie adobe buildings. What do you think of that?

And I can dig too. Once, before all the caca hit the fan I used to dig ditches around the house. You see, my house was built at the bottom of a hill and when it rained a river, well not a real river but a heck of a lot of water would flow right up next to the house. It would take days for this water to dissipate. I got the bright idea of building a French drain next to the house to expedite the flow. With just a shovel, a spade if you will, I sat about digging a 200-foot trench along and around the side of my house. I filled it with gravel and sunk some 8-inch pipe. It only took me a couple of weekends to dig this trench. You bet I was sore but I got the job done. I would be willing to bet that if you were creative in the stacking that you could have fit maybe fifty or sixty of those zombie and / or humans in that trench. And I dug this trench just to dig it. It was also my first time digging a trench. I am confident that I could dig better next time. In addition, I am sure that if I saw all of those piles and piles of bodies it would motivate me to dig even more. I bet, I could dig it even deeper and even longer.

I even have my shovel with me. What do you say?


Kurt @ Becoming An Ironman said...

That was too ridiculous to stop reading!

And I commend you on the ditch digging. I'm sure after the first day or so you started thinking "what did I get myself into." But hopefully your acceptance into the top secret zombie-proof bunker will prove all your expended energy worthwhile.